Perhaps, for this post, I should call them clouds instead. Big, dark, thick clouds hanging over my head, following my every move. Yeah, the clouds of my life, those are the ones I would like to blog about today. These masses of conflicting thoughts and emotions just waiting to be dealt with, and the greater the cloud, the more I want to run away from it.
Actually, I don’t want to blog about my own clouds, rather I would like to try and explain why I am so obsessed with getting rid of them. A cloud is an area of my life, that I have a hard time dealing with. It is denial or an unwillingness to surrender to a responsibility or position I am expected to take on. I can be in an area of my life without really being there, because I have this inner resistance, that won’t allow me to feel present and focused. Like drifting away day-dreamingly, while the house is falling apart.
The problem is, I don’t know that the cloud is there, I don’t know what it contains of, until I’ve decided to take an in-depth look at it. I cannot determine its presence by the lack of sunshine, because after a short while I get so used to not looking up, and my eyes adjust to the darkness. It is like wearing sunglasses for the entire day, actually forgetting I had them on. The human mind is amazing.
However, I have found ways of spotting these clouds anyway. Not by looking at the surroundings, but by looking at my own actions and attention. The more desperately I seek inspiration from the outside world, the greater is the cloud I should be paying attention to. The faster I run, the more I want to get away from something. And I can spend a lot of energy just from avoiding what I need to see. Sometimes I can get so caught up by the running, that I continue doing it, even if the cloud somehow has transformed into something less dramatic.
But there is a point in refraining from escaping reality. First of all, I can think of nothing more tormenting and miserable than to be running away from my life. Whatever it might contain, it is my life! When I try to escape, I can be dead sure, that I am not able to change what had me started running in the first place. Things don’t mysteriously get better all by themselves. And the funny thing about the perception, is that I see the cloud as to be the cause of my misery, when in fact it is denial, the running that makes me feel this way. I don’t feel the content of the cloud, naturally, because I am running away from it.
I also know, than ‘nothing is as bad as it seems’ is a horrible cliché! Sometimes things are actually much, MUCH worse than they seem. But still, they won’t get better from not being looked at. If I think, I have debt to the bank for 10.000,- and it actually shows, that the real amount is 25.000,- then that really sucks! But thinking that it is only 10.000,- or not thinking about it at all, that actually sucks even more. I can feel it, even if I’m not consciously aware of it. The cloud is still there.
So let’s say I decided to take a deep breath and enter the cloud. That is a painful revelation! I find out, it was worse than I thought, but in reality it only confirmed what I feared. So first of all, I can at least let go of the fear. New feeling will then arise, and they all need to be dealt with. Maybe I need to cut down on the luxury, maybe I need to make a new agreement with the bank, maybe I just need to accept ‘what is’ and surrender to the fact that I’m more in debt than I thought I was.
At this point, I am no longer running away from the cloud, I’m actually right in the middle of it. And I don’t need to stay there until I have all things sorted out. I can prioritize, find a healthy perspective and act upon it. Then step out of the cloud and come back later. By that time, it will have changed a bit, and dealing with the rest will be easier.
When I spend my time running, I really can’t do anything else with my life. It stops! Even the inputs I get cannot be completely appreciated and implemented, because it sinks into the very same part of my life, that I resist.
Surrendering to something deeply painful and demanding seems almost inhuman. But it is still much more of a life, than the one I am trying to live while running away from it. Once I get into that cloud, I can begin to sort things out. That makes it less painful, less demanding. The sense of essence becomes clear!
Ultimately that is my motivation for dealing with the clouds. I need to sense the essence, that is when I feel alive and present. That is my life force. When I run away from my clouds, I run away from the essence of being. And sometimes the essence of being is cruel, but I still feel much more alive, than any kind of denial could ever make me experience.
