So, I was going to write something about how frustrating it is to see every fucking commercial targeting women are about how to make the house/laundry clean, or how to be more of a woman by making oneself more attractive to a guy. I mean, in a perfect world at least one of these commercials should have some sexual innuendo of the homosexual kind… But then I actually looked at one of those which have pissed me off the most, and I found it! Well, perhaps it was an unwilling suggestive message, but I can live with that. 
See, the thing is, I’ve become lost in identity. That’s why everything except “L Word” frustrates me, it’s a heterosexual world, and not even the Bible takes lesbians seriously. Still beats being a teenager though, nobody takes them seriously either. Although it frustrates me, it gives me little excuse for not doing anything about it.
Deep down I am not a supporter of identity as a phenomenon. I believe in the sense of self, and I believe we do need to express ourselves properly through clothing and behavior, as we are being “pre judged” based on appearance. We must take a conscious effort of expressing our ‘being’ with intend.
We must take control of our appearance, but we must not let the appearance take control of the self, and I believe this is exactly why I am lost right now. I feel like I’m caught up between two stereotype worlds, and I don’t really belong in either. I am a woman, but I don’t feel the need to make myself delicious to any guy anymore. I don’t feel the need for making my laundry whiter either. On the other hand, I don’t want to dress up as a caricature lesbian either.
I know that these stereotypes are (mostly) in my head. I know that my sense of self should not depend on identity. I know that I shouldn’t give a rat’s ass about the masculine/feminine roles of society, and I know why commercials are playing on these issues. Still, it is slowly catching up on me. The reason these commercials work is that deep down we all want to belong somewhere, and any suggestion as to how we go about belonging better are received, subconsciously at least.
I guess the reason I am so frustrated is that they don’t give me any suggestions. I may simply be frustrated by the fact that I have not been manipulated, that nobody gives me a stereotypical version of me to cling on to. Not a positive one anyway, not one that will bring me closer to belonging to society.
Well… Screw the stereotypes! Screw the identity issues!
Perhaps I don’t belong anywhere – perhaps I actually belong everywhere! Perhaps it really is all in my head! I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman like the once in the commercials anyway.
I am trying… It doesn’t work. I should see this as a ticket to freedom, but right now I can’t even make sense of my own writing. I should think some more, I think.
