My darkness is not about ‘forbidden feelings and desires’, because there are no feelings I would not allow myself to have. I might not express them in public, for obvious reasons, but I do acknowledge them, when I know I have them. No, my darkness is about the depth of all of my feelings, and exploring it is about following an emotion to its root, to the point where it becomes all consuming for a limited period of time.
Children have it easy this way. When they are mad, they put absolutely no restraints upon themselves. It is expressed freely and intensely. Joy is overwhelming, sadness is unbearable. Fear is present. They have a very direct approach to the root of their emotions, and they are spiritually free. Then they learn the rules of society…
There are some feelings I find easy to follow. I have re-taught myself how to feel the depth of joy. I have cried so hard and long, that I the next morning had the face of a beaten woman, all red and swollen. Anger is more difficult, but I have felt it to the point where I felt intimidated by my own mirror image. It is accessible.
But fear… I have yet to get in contact with my fear. I need to feel this overpowering to-the-bone fear others describe. It is not because I have been blessed with a fearless life, I have just chosen to deal with it through other channels, or numbed myself. Although I do hate horror movies, so on some level I am avoiding it. I am afraid of my fear.
It may seem strange to want to get in contact with this feeling, but it is important. I do feel fear, of course, I just don’t feel it as deep as it runs. I don’t understand my fear as well as I understand my anger or joy, which also means there is an area of my darkness that I am unfamiliar with. Just because I don’t feel it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there underneath the surface. It just means that somehow I am blocking the path between the feeling and it’s root.
The more I understand about myself, the stronger I become. I explorer the depth (and the lack) of my feelings, because that is the way of exploring myself. That is how I can come to know my darkness and gain knowledge about myself as well as others.
