Inspired by recent discussions on Empath Community, I’ve decided to blog a little about my perspective on manipulation. The arguments can be divided into two obvious categories, those who are against it and those who see it as a necessary tool, that can be used for good purposes, if the intention is right.
I say, WE ALL DO IT! We do it all of the time, actually. And the problem is not, that some people advocate strongly against manipulation – the problem is that they too manipulate others and their perception restricts them from acknowledging it.
Manipulation is, as defined by my dictionary along with wikipedia, the ability to control or influence a person or situation. We do not control people in the terms of tying them up and forcing them to look in a specific direction. We control people by motivating them to see things from our perspective. We influence them to accept the ‘truths’ we portrait, and the art of manipulation lies in knowing how to do this properly.
If I overdo my attempt of manipulating you, I will fail. Of course it depends on your ability to see through it and look at my intentions, but if I go forwards too strongly, you will discover it. So I use different tools to cover my intentions. Not consciously! It is something that happens on many levels, and mostly it is just an assessment of message and receiver.
What would be the best approach for getting my message understood and validated by this person?
This question is embedded in our ‘language packages’ and it is active from the moment we learn how to speak. A child that wants a cookie will consider the best way of asking for it, and it usually turns out to be something like: “Mooooooomyyyyy?” With a little smile, a spark in the eyes and hands positioned for the ‘most innocent and loving’ look. Because the child knows, that the wrong approach will not result in a cookie.
The mother will usually know what the child is up to, just as she knows that crying is not necessarily because the child is sad. But it may still lead to the wanted result of the child. The mother understands and validates the child’s message because of the approach.
The above is an obvious example, but there are plenty of subtle forms of manipulation. The cloths you wear signals something about you. You decide how you want to be perceived, and people usually understand and validate your expression, even if you did not make it consciously. A woman in pink miniskirt and a tight tank-top manipulates her expression. The clothes she wears is not the whole true picture of who she is. It is a manipulated image of who she wants you to believe, she is.
The same actually applies to the guy who doesn’t seem to care about how he looks at all. He to sends a message that “He doesn’t care!” But he does care – otherwise he would ’sometimes’ care and other times not. But that usually isn’t the case, because if he one day would show that he cares, he would ruin the image, an image he created with a purpose.
I am manipulating you right now as well. (if it works, that is. Otherwise you may see this as an attempt of manipulating you) Even my conscious decision about writing my intent so that you can read it, that too is a form of manipulation. You don’t have to lie to manipulate. You don’t have to deceive people or twist the truth in any way. Sometimes being ‘honest’ is the best approach for getting the message understood and validated. So that too is manipulation.
If what I write leads you to understand my message, then you have been controlled or influenced to see things the way I wanted you to see them. Or at least, I have made my perception understood through the approach I chose.
If it didn’t work, if you are one of those who sees manipulation as the work of Satan, I should have chosen a different approach. The above would not be suited for influencing you to see it my way – I would have used different arguments and expressed myself differently.
We all manipulate, we are all being manipulated, and the only problem with this, is that some people refuse to believe that they do so.
