Category Archives: Uncategorized

Dear Mum,

April 21, 2010

Got a message from my brother today, asking me if our mother could have my ‘new’ address so that she could send me an invite for my stepfather’s birthday. After having spend most of my day with a great passion for isolation I finally find myself in need for someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on… Damn I feel lonely! The second best thing is to put SOAD on repeat and blog.

Fuck you, mum! 

If you had taken the effort of calling me on MY birthday two weeks ago, I might have been persuaded into giving you my address. If you really want it, you can find it on the web, but please don’t restrain yourself! 

I can give you nothing! These past ten years of distance between us has made me sane and I have no intention of destroying that. There is a social norm saying you have to love your mother, and you have had your benefits from me believing that to be true. And the only reason I don’t fall frontal first puking my guts out to the saying: “a mothers love for her children”, is because of my own love for mine.

You are not the one who makes me sad tonight. Remember that! You make me angry. The sadness comes from the realization that I never really did feel I had a mother.

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A Breakthrough…

November 11, 2009

I am SO in the middle of screwing up my midterm evaluation right now. Partially because I have to get up in 5 hours, and partially because I’ve just opened a can of beer. And I am blogging!

I had a breakthrough. Just now, actually, and if I knew anyone who wouldn’t be offended of having me call them at 1 am, I would have done so instead. But this is fine for now, I think. I can’t really grasp the greater picture of it right now, but I am so relieved I could puke, so that must be a sign, right?

I’ve previously described how I do not feel fear. That the fear is there – I just don’t allow myself to feel it. And I had a grave suspicion, that my lack of consciously feeling this could also be the reason, I have not let go of what happened 12 years ago.

So, less than an hour ago, I decided to search for the fear. 

My grandfather could have raped me. If we had been alone, when it happened, or if I had gone to visit him some other time, where he then would be alone, he could have raped me. That is a genuine fear and, at that moment, a very clear and present danger.

When he was done, he told me, we would sleep together one day, when we were alone. We weren’t at that moment, because my brother was in the other room. He told me. He didn’t ask or suggest “if I wanted to”, no, he just stated it as a fact. At that particular moment, I was not his granddaughter that he had seen grow up. I was not the girl, he spend three years teaching how to ride a horse. I was nothing but a fraction of his fucked up fantasy.

He did not see ME, he did not see my paralyzation, he didn’t notice shit! All he saw was the play taking place inside is mind. He could have raped me!

NOW I feel the fear! Right this minute. This is not an overreaction, this is very real!

My mother didn’t see this as something to fear. She wasn’t in my position at the time, she did not think about “what could have happened”, she barely reflected upon what actually did happen. I never was special to her, not even close, but I might not have been completely worthless either.

He could have raped me, but he didn’t. Because I did stop it. I did not spend another moment alone with him. My sister didn’t either, after I had told my mother about it. Although I was still forced to see him, I never placed myself alone with him.

He cannot hurt me anymore, he died 6 years ago. The fear I feel right now belongs in the past. And I will allow it to stay there. I can, now.

He could have, but he didn’t, because I stopped it!

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What do I mean by “Darkness”?

October 25, 2009

My darkness is not about ‘forbidden feelings and desires’, because there are no feelings I would not allow myself to have. I might not express them in public, for obvious reasons, but I do acknowledge them, when I know I have them. No, my darkness is about the depth of all of my feelings, and exploring it is about following an emotion to its root, to the point where it becomes all consuming for a limited period of time.

Children have it easy this way. When they are mad, they put absolutely no restraints upon themselves. It is expressed freely and intensely. Joy is overwhelming, sadness is unbearable. Fear is present. They have a very direct approach to the root of their emotions, and they are spiritually free. Then they learn the rules of society…

There are some feelings I find easy to follow. I have re-taught myself how to feel the depth of joy. I have cried so hard and long, that I the next morning had the face of a beaten woman, all red and swollen. Anger is more difficult, but I have felt it to the point where I felt intimidated by my own mirror image. It is accessible.

But fear… I have yet to get in contact with my fear. I need to feel this overpowering to-the-bone fear others describe. It is not because I have been blessed with a fearless life, I have just chosen to deal with it through other channels, or numbed myself. Although I do hate horror movies, so on some level I am avoiding it. I am afraid of my fear.

Illustration by Matt Mahurin for Newsweek

It may seem strange to want to get in contact with this feeling, but it is important. I do feel fear, of course, I just don’t feel it as deep as it runs. I don’t understand my fear as well as I understand my anger or joy, which also means there is an area of my darkness that I am unfamiliar with. Just because I don’t feel it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there underneath the surface. It just means that somehow I am blocking the path between the feeling and it’s root.

The more I understand about myself, the stronger I become. I explorer the depth (and the lack) of my feelings, because that is the way of exploring myself. That is how I can come to know my darkness and gain knowledge about myself as well as others.

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